THIS IS FOR YOU

This is a post I really wish I didn't have write, but after months of holding off I think it's about time I did. My dad was always my biggest fan when it came to my blog, he was subscribed to get notified every time I posted and he always cheered me on. I know this is exactly what he would want me to be doing right now, using my blog as the outlet that it had always been for me. It has been such a long time since I wrote a blog post, I initially stopped finding time to sit and just write out my thoughts but I think now is a good time to start writing again. This form of 'release' used to really help me, so here goes.

Six months ago my Dad passed away. In March he was given the diagnosis of Terminal Lung Cancer and a prognosis of nine months to a year. Sadly after just four short weeks he passed away. To say I was, and still am, totally devastated is a bit of an understatement. My father was my absolute world. He was the constant in my life that I had always looked up to and relied upon. He was an amazing granddad and he absolutely doted on my children, they adored him. It's funny because in my head I have a thousand thoughts and feeling, but now I come to write it I can't seem to find the right words to convey how much I loved this man and how much I miss him.

Six months on I would love to say that it's getting easier, but it isn't. I just have some better days than others. Whether it be hearing a song that makes holding back tears near impossible, or when we're driving home from the school run and one of the kids says how much they miss their Grandad totally out of the blue, it stings, it hurts so much.

I miss so many things. I miss being able to email him photos of the kids like I did at the end of everyday, he said he used to love seeing there faces when he sat down everyday to check his emails. After he passed and I sorted out his computer I saw he saved and dated every photo I ever sent him.
I miss seeing him. I miss him arriving every Friday morning for a cup of tea and half a pack of biscuits, we would just sit and talk just him and I and put the world to rights. And then we would do the exact same on a Saturday afternoon where he would come again to make sure he got to see both of the children once Indie had started school. And in recent years every Wednesday too, just because. God I miss this. It was routine, and I loved it.
I miss being able to call him. If ever I had a problem I would call him, no matter how big or small. He would always have a solution, always have some words of wisdom and always knew what to do.

For the kids I've been strong, because they miss him and I can see that. But I honestly just feel heartbroken. I feel angry that he had to go, I just wanted longer.

I think about him so much, and I like to think that he would be proud of me and how I am choosing to live my life. He was such a huge part of it that he has left such a huge hole, but I know that he wouldn't want any of us to be sad, he would want us to carry on, so that's what I'm trying to do.

Since I stopped writing on my blog almost two years ago my Dad asked me every couple weeks when I was going to start blogging again. He would tell me he missed reading my posts and so today I'm starting writing again.
This is for you Dad x